Deep Allowing – A Contemplative Discourse

“Deep Allowing” means being with what is here-and-now – emotionally, physically, and psychologically – without judgment or comparison to a past or future experience. Explore how, as leaders, a practice of deep allowing can accelerate healing moments within ourselves and transform our relationships with others.

By Erin MacLean

 

An Introduction

The discourse that follows was taken from a talk that I gave to a group of mindfulness meditation practitioners and teachers. It describes my understanding of a state of existence and resulting practice that I refer to as “Deep Allowing.” I share this with the consciousness that the world, generally speaking, does not exist in the state of Deep Allowing. I also understand that it would be rare for a human in the world, living a normal human life, to be able to be in this state most of the time.

My experience tells me, though, that there would be less suffering in the world and there would be more peace in our cohabitating existence, and, as a result, there would be more joy for all, if we could spend more time deeply allowing. The substance of the discourse is this:

Deep Allowing – A Contemplative Discourse

Deep Allowing came to me after multiple years of ever-increasing health issues and complications from COVID infections in the form of “long-COVID,” the symptoms of which I “coped” with by engaging many hours of meditation, mindfulness, and contemplative prayer. As a certified mindfulness teacher, one of mindfulness practices I had learned in my training was that of “Radical Acceptance.”[1] Radical Acceptance is described as a practice that can assist one to “accept” situations that are outside of one’s control without judgment. As I understand it, the basis of the teaching is that human “suffering” does not result directly from pain, but from one’s ongoing attachment to the pain, whether it be physical, psychological, or emotional.

I do not discount this teaching, as I perceive that my understanding of it, along with other practices, led me to the “Deep Allowing” practice, which is somewhat different, as I do not perceive that allowing for something is acceptance of that thing. As a result, my experience of Deep Allowing evolved from contemplating the “Radical Acceptance” teaching and engaging other mindfulness and spiritual practices, including contemplative prayer,[2] into what I understood better as an intentional “allowance” in non-judgment. It is true that the experience of it may appear to be “acceptance,” as it provides for a level of intentional stillness and “non-reactivity,” but, to me, it is not acceptance. I don’t perceive it is necessary to “accept” reality in order to “allow” for what is here, for what I am experiencing, for what I cannot control, or even for what I can control.

Deep Allowing, in the experience, is not connected to the past or the future. It does not involve comparison to what used to be or what may be in the future. It involves a “non-time-based attachment” to those perceptions in order to allow for them. It also does not mean “not feeling” or trying to avoid having or feeling emotions, instead it is the opposite. It is being with what is here, emotionally, physically and psychologically, whether what is here is sharp pain, uncomfortable skin crawling neuropathy in my body, or something outside of my body, like noticing disappointment in my daughter’s voice as she attempts to direct my wandering attention back to her story, again. The Deep Allowing experience for me involves noticing these experiences and holding my attention on them to experience them and find whether I can allow for such moments (even as they repeat or continue for days or weeks), or whether I experience the pain or discomfort into perceived suffering.

What do I mean by suffering? There seems to be a past-future component of perceiving ongoing pain or discomfort that leads one to perceive suffering – which is an experience that carried forward into this moment and into the next. In short, pain is momentary, suffering is ongoing. Deep Allowing involves intentionally letting the past and future go in the moment and being present in the moment, without judgment or comparison to a past or future experience, and just allowing for what is noticed and experienced, each moment, without comparison.

Some questions that I ask myself to help me in the Deep Allowing Practice are “What is here now?  Can I allow for and be with THIS?” …and then, in the next moment, “What is here now?  Can I allow for and be with THIS?” …noticing that the moments are separate and in their own space of time and reality. One moment the answer may be “yes,” and in another moment the answer might be “no.” In the answers to these types of questions, I find whether I can allow for and be with what I find in the experience, whether I can deeply allow.

Since December of 2020, I have faced a number of health-related adventures related to long-COVID from three different COVID infections, each further decreasing my ability to function in the world, involving a variety of physical and mental/cognitive “diseases.” At one point, my body tried to slowly die from sleep deprivation, which occurred alongside the brain losing significant “cognitive” or “thinking processing” and “memory” ability. My body also experienced a number of uncomfortable symptoms such as neuropathy.

I found deep allowing where I imagine there could have been serious despair, as I was deprived of my past identity and experienced an apparent loss of future hopes, dreams and possibilities. I found myself “disabled” and in constant pain and discomfort, on many levels and in many parts of my body. At one point we didn’t know whether my body would survive, let alone whether I would be able to continue on in a normal social life or be able to continue in my professional life. My identity as it had been before COVID was completely obliterated, for the time period, and I found myself in the space of potential deep and ongoing suffering.

I perceive that, in this space, I had a choice of two paths: either learn how to be present with what I was experiencing or to suffer deeply from the loss of past achievements and perceived expectations of my life. I intentionally chose the former, and, in the process, I began to understand the practice of Deep Allowing.

In the practice of Deep Allowing, I don’t “hope” for a different future or lament the status of my existence. I intentionally allow what I find, even if what reality presents is the inability to remember the previous moment, physical pain, or frustration that has arisen as a result of cognitive issues or reality not being what I want it to be. For example, it may be allowing for my brain to “shut down” during an attempt at piano practice, as I wait for “the reboot” in silent darkness, or it could be allowing for serious disappointment in my son’s face, because I am unable to hang out with him during a neuropathic attack, again. It could be allowing for the sadness that I see in my husband’s eyes when I tell him that his holding my hand is too much for my nervous system, in that moment. I perceive that one could suffer deeply from experiencing any or all of that on an ongoing basis.

Finding the practice of Deep Allowing has become an unexpected gift in the face of such potential suffering. Learning how to deeply allow for all of this experience, whatever comes, in each moment, and to be with myself and my emotions and with others and their emotions in response to my ability to do something, or lack thereof, I have gained a greater understanding of how vast and filled with abundance of peace and understanding I can be and the world can be, and have even found a deeper understanding of love and compassion in the space of allowing.

Deep Allowing does not require any outward action towards others or situations. It is simply a “being with.” It does not include practices or thought processes such as hoping or wanting. It also does not involve any sort of future mindset that things could or should be different from what they are right now. Often, when I speak of this experience, the topic of forgiveness is raised by others. For me, forgiveness is an action that is not necessary to or even experienced in the practice of “Deep Allowance.”  I perceive that the act of forgiveness includes a perspective toward past occurrences and future relationships, and that is different from Deeply Allowing for the experience of this particular moment. I can notice whether I have a judgment about someone when I think of the person or perceive them in a manner that is not forgiveness, and I can deeply allow for that experience in me. In doing so, I am not forgiving, but just allowing for the experience of noticing judgment or non-forgiveness to be there, in the moment.

In deeply allowing for what I notice and perceive in myself and the world and my experience with it and others, I am not actively doing anything about what I notice or feel, I am just allowing for what I perceive, in this singular moment. In the next moment, I might do something; I might find forgiveness; I might say something or do something, but in the moment of Deep Allowing, I don’t know what will occur. I can just allow for the experience and not know what will come next. I might find my attention back on my daughter’s story or the ability to play a game with my son. I might be able to hold a hand. I won’t know until I get to that next moment, and I am not looking to the next moment or for it.

I have also found it true that the mind is well versed in attempting to and in actually bringing my attention away from deeply allowing, especially in painful or uncomfortable experiences, with thoughts or “feelings” as:

• This should not be this way, or
• I can’t deal with this, or
• This is not fair, or
• I need this to be different, or
• He should understand, or
• Why is this happening to me?

I have discovered this practice on the shoulders of giants, so to speak. When thought patterns have persisted, I have found that, instead of forcing such patterns away, it can help me to actively engage practices like the inquiry of the Work of Byron Katie (“The Work”)[3] or mindfulness meditation practices on thoughts and feelings.[4] Specifically, the inquiry of The Work, in which I have training in and to which I have turned to, often, includes directly engaging the thoughts of the mind with four questions, the first two questions being, “is it true?” and “can I absolutely know [the thought or feeling about the situation] is true?”

At times, I find that my answer to both is either a solid “yes,” because I am frustrated and believing my perceived plight.  Sometimes, I find the answer is “no,” when, for example, something is happening and I think it shouldn’t be, and I realize that my thought “this shouldn’t be happening” is not true, by definition, because the reality is that the thing I think shouldn’t be happening IS actually happening. Even when the answer to these questions is “yes,” meditating in the experience of the answer helps me be with what can be a painful experience in my “yes.”

The third question of the inquiry is: “how do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought?” I often come to realize that believing a thought that is true is not acceptance or allowing and that it is leading to my suffering. The fourth question of the inquiry of The Work is a major part of the process for me to find deep allowing. That question is, “who or what would one be without the thought?” I often notice that, without the thought that is a judgment or without a feeling that results from a past or future perception, the answer to that question is: peace. In this peace, I find allowance for and in the non-judgmental contemplation of what is. I am grateful for this type of inquiry, other mindfulness practices and contemplative prayer, because they have helped me discover where my mind attempts to keep me from the experience of the peace that I find in Deep Allowance.

As to the vastness that can be discovered in the experience, I have found there is so much to discover in this moment, when what is happening is experienced through the practice of allowing for the “reality of what is.” I notice that when I am fighting with the experience, I block out much of what could be experienced here. Finding what I would call “spirit,” in the moment, is one such example. In the vastness, I have found a much deeper connection to the spirit I perceive emanates from that ultimate creative source of the universe – God, Yahweh, Allah, etc. For me, from my upbringing, it is God. Even in what feels like unbearable “darkness” of a moment that could turn into despair, when I allow, the spirit appears there bringing peace, if only I notice. For those uncomfortable allowing for “spirit,” just the peace experienced in the Deep Allowing practice, in and of itself, is vast, and can lead to deep curiosity, and even joy, as an alternative to ongoing suffering.

In recent days, I have found that other people, social media and society are good tests of my ability to engage deep allowance as I become more socially engaged. This is true, even when others are well intentioned, such as saying things to me that they intend to be encouraging or hopeful. Examples are: “It’s easy [to do the thing I am unable to do in the moment],” or “I am sorry you are not able to do that,” or “you are different from what you used to be, but it’s ok,” or “I hope you feel better soon,” or even “you don’t seem different to me…you seem normal.”  I have even found that the statement of “how are you?” (with the connotation of, “are you better” or “are you worse” from before) can have the same effect of tempting me to suffer in comparison to the past.

I have come to realize that really all past or future oriented comments, no matter how well intentioned, have the potential to perpetuate suffering for people who are experiencing difficulty or pain in the moment. I did not come to realize this until my mid-40s, and I imagine I have said such well-intentioned things, often, over my life, even though I would never have wanted to or intentionally caused anyone pain or suffering. I sometimes even notice myself still attempting to say such things that I have been socialized into saying, from time to time. It was a deep realization for me that such words could cause and/or perpetuate suffering. If someone is in pain, and there is nothing I can do to help that pain, it now seems the deepest compassion is to be with them in their experience in deep allowance and in presence. For example, I can say “would you be willing to tell me about your experience?” and just listening. No comment necessary.

Conversely, as a recipient of statements of others that could bring suffering in my receiving and considering them, I notice that I can either suffer from or be in deep allowance of the words and sentiments of others. In noticing this, I realize that others, social media, society and the world, just as they are, provide wonderful and varied additional input that I can try to be with and allow for, in the moment, or from which I can suffer. It’s my choice.

When I am able to reach the space of Deep Allowing, I am sometimes surprised at what I can allow for and be with, whatever it is life may bring to my doorstep. The experience often brings to mind one of my favorite poems, by Jalaluddin Rumi, called the “Guest House.” The following English version having been translated by Coleman Barks:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.[5]

A Contemplative Meditation of Deep Allowance

May I notice what is here in this moment, breath, body and all else, without judgment?

May I open to being with what is here, without judgment?

May I be able to notice and experience the spaciousness that exists in this moment surrounding me?

May I allow for all that is supporting me in this human experience?

May what I find here be enough and perfect to me, as it is?

May I be able to continue to be in this and each moment, as life unfolds, in deep allowance?

May I find peace.

A final note: I have found that the practice of Deep Allowance can be carried from a very introspective or introverted practice into the “real world” experience through one engaging in a more contemplative noticing and allowing in social engagements, including those on social media and internet platforms. For example, one can notice himself/herself wanting to say something to another like, “how are you (in that well intentioned voice of hope that is in comparison to the last time you saw them when they were sick)?” or “I hope you are feeling better,” and, before saying the thing, intentionally change the greeting to something like, “hi, it is wonderful to see you” or even “hi, how are you, today? (with no connotation of past or future experience or expectation)” or just, “hi.” As another example, in a conversation or on social media, one can actively notice one’s responses to what one is hearing or reading and intentionally allow for what is perceived, in silence.

Instead of responding, you can engage the practice of how the experience affects you and allow for what happens within you without responding or doing anything other than noticing and allowing for what you notice. For example, if a person you are speaking to or something you are reading is something like, “my day is shitty” or “the world sucks” or even “I am really mad at you.” You can notice that it is input that can be experienced and that that experience can be allowed. These experiences evidence the world in motion. It is others in motion, just as we are in motion. Can you allow for it, can you allow for what it brings out in you? Can you be with it, in peace?

[1]  As is taught by the author and mindfulness teacher, Tara Brach, and acknowledged by Jack Kornfield, another mindfulness teacher, and others.  Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach

[2] As taught by Thomas Keating, Thomas Keating on Contemplation | Contemplation. See also (16) Thomas Keating Centering Prayer Guidelines Intro – YouTube

[3] The Work of Byron Katie

[4] Part 3 – Mindfulness of Thoughts – Introduction to Meditation – Tara Brach and Mindfulness of Feelings – Jack Kornfield, for example.

[5] The Guest House by Jalaluddin Rumi – Scottish Poetry Library